Murdering Oscar (and other love songs)

Murdering Oscar (and other love songs)

Release date: 6/23/09 on Ruth St. Records


Murdering Oscar
Pride of the Yankees
I Understand Now
The Playboy Mansion (vinyl only)
Sam's in the Ground (vinyl only)
The Range War
She's A Little Randy
Foolish Young Bastard
Heavy and Hanging
Walking Around Sense
Back of a Bible
Uncle Phil and Aunt Phyllis in the Month After the Election (vinyl only)

Produced by David Barbe and Patterson Hood
All Songs © Razor and Tie Music (BMI) except:
The Range War: Lyrics and Music by Todd Rundgren © Earmark Music (BMI)



I killed Oscar, shot him in the head Put the gun in his mouth, watched his brains fly out
Saw my worries fade as the hole got bigger Solved all my problems with a trigger

I don't need forgiveness for my sins I don't need redemption for my sins
Got the satisfaction of a job well done with my own bare hands

Oscar Oscar was destroying me
I killed Oscar, burden lifted off of me
I killed Oscar now I'm happy happy happy
I killed Oscar before he killed me

I don't need forgiveness for my sins
I don't need redemption for my sins
I don't need salvation cause I saved myself
I don't need your help because I helped myself
I don't need nobody trying to save save save me
I killed Oscar and I forgave me

I killed Oscar and I forgave me
I killed Oscar and I forgave…
Lyrics and Music: Patterson Hood (Decatur GA. May 1994)
Patterson Hood - Gtr / Brad Morgan - Drums / Mike Cooley - Lead Gtr / Shonna Tucker - Bass / Scott Danbom - Fiddle

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I drank some coffee while I waited at the station
She's brought back souvenirs from every vacation
Said "Don't look now, Doll, your neurosis' are showing"
I tried to compliment her nose but she could tell that mine was growing

Pollyanna does not live here

Thought about the way things change and how she used to be
Guess I wanted that girl again, guess it wasn't meant to be
She had a warmth about her that could not melt an ice cube
If I could go back in time I'd bring you back a Quaalude

Pollyanna does not live here
Pollyanna has moved far far away

The bed got sticky, the floor got sticky
The kitchen table went crashing down
I was sticky and she was sticky
Too bad she could not stick around

Everything sticks to her like glue
But I'm just something she's got stuck to the bottom of her shoe
And when she's through with me I guess I'll follow through
And wait for something new to stick to

Pollyanna does not live here
Pollyanna has moved far far away

Lyrics: Patterson Hood / Music: Patterson Hood and Mike Cooley (Memphis TN. April 1991)
Patterson Hood - Gtr / Mike Cooley - Lead Gtr / David Barbe - Bass / Brad Morgan - Drums / Scott Danbom - Piano / Will Johnson and Scott Danbom - Harmonies / John Neff - Pedal Steel
(For Monster)

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Ladies and Gentlemen pull out your hankies
Lou Gehrig was the Pride of the Yankees
Mothers and Daddies, wrap up your children
King Kong has fallen off the building today

The sky is falling the sky is falling
Wish I could hideaway safe in the mall
Something is constantly scheming and brewing
To make our lives a disaster movie

And all of the pundits and bandits and speakers
And gadgets and two hundred dollar sneakers
Will all be so useless in conjuring Jesus
In baseball and science and naming diseases away

Too many firemen and virgins in heaven
It's all been fucked up since Nine Eleven
What we're all fighting and what we're defending
One big long story with two different endings today

Now I am holding you here in my arms
Trying my best to shelter you from harm
When everything is so crazy and wrapped up in shiny
Problems so big and you're so tiny today

Lyrics and Music by Patterson Hood (Elko Nevada - June 19, 2006)
Patterson Hood - Piano and Vocal / Brad Morgan - Drums / David Barbe - Bass / Will Johnson - Guitar and Harmony / Scott Danbom - Fiddle and Harmony / John Neff - Pedal Steel

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Uncle Phil said to me, that woman will be the death of me
but I don't think there's anything I can do
She's got ways I don't understand Putting words into my mouth
Things I just can't get used to
But then she dropped the cornbread in the kitchen
Uncle Phil smiled as if she'd just done the greatest thing

I'm not sure if I understood then
But I guarantee I understand now

My cousin screwed up without a doubt
All of a sudden, he wasn't hanging out
and "That girl", he said, "She is the cats…"
then he disappeared from sight without a trace
So they had a bunch of babies and they got a good jobs
working hard to provide the best they can

I'm not sure if I understood then
But I guarantee I understand now

I'm beginning to appreciate the value of generations changing hands
Family ties and lips and eyes Pass it down

Now the weatherman today said
"Warm and cloudy, cold front coming in around sundown"
And I'm walking through your house, full of your beautiful relations
and I'm thinking that I'd like to stick around
And there are things I have said with one hand on the Bible
that are only now starting to make sense

I'm not sure if I understood then
But I guarantee I understand now

I understand now

Lyrics and Music: (Athens GA. Feb. 2002)
Patterson Hood - Gtr and Kraftsman / Brad Morgan - Drums / David Hood - Bass / Don Chambers - Banjo / David Barbe - Gtr and Kraftsman / Frank MacDonnell -Lead Gtr

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I'm your knight and shining armor you don't have to work that job anymore
Buy a house in the burbs, two-car garage, shrubberies, and a birdbath
Keep you safe warm and dry, keep the tears from your eyes
Keep you pregnant all the time
Name them Skip, Paul and George, maybe even have a girl
We'll name her after mom

Come on baby take my hand, SUV or minivan?
Keep you happy and sedated who needs to be liberated?
You've got me you've got me

If you got something in your head that makes you think there's something else
Maybe the doctor can give you something to make you forget

Promise I will hold you tight, I will make you scream all night
Bills will get paid on time the birthday poem I write you will rhyme
Son, here's a loaded gun, try not to hurt no one

You were with my friend Clyde
He was my best friend till they pulled his face out of the dashboard
And I always thought you were too good for him
Let me take you for a spin
I'll take you home
I'll take you home
And everything will be just fine

Lyrics and Music: Patterson Hood (Atlanta GA, March 1994)
Patterson Hood - Gtr / John Neff - Pedal Steel / Brad Morgan - Drums / David Barbe - Bass and Gtr / Will Johnson - Harmony

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I used to live in the Playboy Mansion
I never could get used to it
Every month brought a brand new hassle
Kept getting bruised by it

I used to live in the Playboy Mansion
Chasing triplets like a fiend
All my friends were so jealous
Thirty-eight going on seventeen

I used to live in the Playboy Mansion
Martinis by the cement pond
Hanging out in my robe and slippers
Hanging out with Jimmy Caan

I used to live in the Playboy Mansion
I never could get used to it
I looked stupid by the swimming pool
I kept getting pushed in it

I used to live in the Playboy Mansion
Now I live in the Romper Room
Grannie's staying where the strippers used to
Took my pole out of the boom boom room

Lyrics and Music: Patterson Hood - November 2004
Patterson Hood - Gtr / Brad Morgan - Drums / David Barbe - Bass

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We're hoping, we're hoping
We don't get caught with our flies open
Heimlich maneuver, grandma's choking
Sister's reading something thought provoking
Garden's growing, Ethyl's hoeing
Sam's in the ground but his nails keep growing
Bob's in the shed with his ash a glowing
Ma looks the other way but I'm sure she's knowing

And it's all I can do keeping up with you
It's all I can do to keep from breaking in two

Sam's in the ground, Sam's in the ground
Something seems to happen every time I turn around
Sister's on the jungle gym, upside down
Bob's looking in the mirror with a wedding gown

It's all I can do keeping up with you
All I can do to keep from breaking in two
Sam's in the ground and Grandma is too
Grandpa's walking round with nothing to do

Lyrics and Music: Patterson Hood (Athens GA, Fall 2005)
Patterson Hood - Gtrs and Vocals / David Barbe - Bass / Brad Morgan - Drums / John Neff - Pedal Steel

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Someday I will be a granddaddy
I'll be the laziest sonofabitch you ever seen
I won't care if the children are being bratty
I'll just walk around as if it's all a dream

And if the whole world loses its mind
I'll be fine
Ride the roller coaster round the bend and back again

If I live to be bout ninety five
I'll just sit there on my porch and eat an apple
They say one a day helps keep the doctor away
And that's ok

But I ain't taking any chances on my fate
Gonna bounce you on my knees just in case
When the time comes to burn out or fade away
Like the rest of my life, I'll be running late

If the time comes to put me in a home
I'll be gone
No desire to wander round alone
I'll be gone, I'll be gone

Someday when I'm a granddaddy
Be as sweet as pumpkin pie, just wait and see
We'll hide chocolate candy all around the house
So all the little ones will come and see me
We'll hide chocolate candy all around the house
Then all the little ones will come and see me

Lyrics and Music by Patterson Hood - October 7, 2004 - For Ava Ruth (The Lil' Stranger)
Patterson Hood - Gtr and Vocals / Brad Morgan - Drum / Scott Danbom - Fiddle / Will Johnson -2nd Gtr

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Last night I dreamt of a high school girl, long legged and fine
And I took her from her daddy and she left her home behind

I was driving an old blue Belvedere
The seat was pushed way back
And she stared straight out the window
As the trees went rushing by

Last night I dreamt of her underwear
The way she smelt in bed
And the way she tossed and the way she squirmed
And the dreams she might have had
And I think its sad how her mom and dad don't ever understand
And I think its sad how her friends all talk
I think its sad how her friends all talk
I think its sad how her friends all talk
And the hateful things they say

Last night I dreamt of a high school girl
Her smile was so bright and wide
And I took her from her daddy
And she left her smile behind

I was driving an old blue Belvedere
The seat was pushed way back
She stared straight out the window
And she ain't coming back
She ain't coming back
She ain't coming back

Lyrics and Music: Patterson Hood - Athens GA, 1994
Patterson Hood - Gtr, Vocal and Rightside Piano / John Neff - Pedal Steel / David Barbe - Bass and Leftside piano / Brad Morgan - Drums

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Yer Daddy runs sheep and my uncle runs cattle
Nothing can keep us out of this battle they wage as it burns up the plains
till no one is left in the saddle

Your ranch is upstream and they've dammed up the water
Thirsty cows scream for my uncle to slaughter the sheep while yer Daddy's asleep
and I'll do the same for his daughter

If I'd had my way we would be together back in Pittsburgh
It's the only town east of the river I know
And I feel kinda bad, bringing grief upon a farmer's house
but we ain't got nowhere left to go

Three years on this range since they started the range war
Nothing has changed, except maybe change for the worse
If you'd married me first there would not have been any range war
You would not have been lost to the range war

Lyrics and Music: Todd Rundgren © Earmark Music (BMI)
Patterson Hood - Gtr / David Barbe - Bass / Don Chambers - Banjo / Brad Morgan - Drums / John Neff - Pedal Steel / Will Johnson - Harmony / Scott Danbom - Piano / Will, Scott and Patterson - Aaahs

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She's a little randy for something she ain't got
A man a little handy this summer sure is hot
Maybe fix some iced tea or lemonade
She's a little randy for some fanning in the shade

She's a little randy hoping this ain't all
Like when he used to put his hands around her waist like a football
Now his hands ain't there at all and she's a little cold
She's a little randy for something to take hold

He used to take his hat off like her favorite movie star
Now it covers up a bald spot (Like her favorite country star)
She can still remember the way it used to be
She's a little randy for someone more then he

She's a little randy for something she ain't got
A man a little handy this summer sure is hot
She pours herself a brandy and smokes a little pot
She's a little randy
But then again, whose not?

Patterson Hood (Athens GA. in the kitchen, Summer 2005)
(Written for the Ray McKinnon film "Randy and the Mob")
Patterson Hood - Gtr and vocal / David Barbe - Bass / John Neff - Pedal Steel / Brad Morgan - Drums
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Foolish young bastard
You shouldn't do things half-assed
Going out the world backwards
Foolish young bastard

You're such a big tall man
You shouldn't sell yourself short
You got the really big deals nipping hard at your heels
Why you want to go and blow it
So suave and wily you can cut em while your smiling
Its those times when you forget that gets you in a mess
A man can fail before he knows it

Foolish young bastard
Too damned smart to even know it
Take that turn a little faster
You foolish young bastard

Such a foolish young bastard
Got it all so figured out
Can you back it up in plaster?
Foolish young bastard

You'll either prove them all wrong or be a disaster
Foolish young bastard

Lyrics and Music: Patterson Hood (Ava's Room, Athens GA. March 22, 2005)
PH - Guitar and Vocal / David Barbe - Bass / Brad Morgan - Drums / Don Chambers - Banjo / Kevin Lane - Background Vocals

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On the morning I found you, I was fixing the alarm
Called the papers before 911
Now their asking me questions bout this thing that I found
And I never heard a single word you put down

And I'm running out of answers to everything Heavy and hanging by a string

I don't have lots of money like those people on the TV
See I have some real problems
Like what to do tomorrow and the day after that
And where I left that ski mask

And I'm running out of answers out of steam Heavy and hanging by a string

Now I'm lying on the sidewalk on your TV screen
Heavy and hanging, heavy and hanging, heavy and hanging by a string

Lyrics and Music: Patterson Hood (Ruth St. Athens GA. July 1994) Patterson Hood - Gtr / Brad Morgan - Drums / David Barbe - Bass / Will Johnson - Harmony and 2nd Gtr / Scott Danbom - Piano
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They caught your mama underneath the Jaguar
She was acting so mad I never seen her so sad
I told her that I'd try to help her get treatment
An intervention to help her intentions
I never told her I could make her your hero Just better than zero
But she held me to much more than that
Saw her at the Rock and Roll induction
Another shot of headlines

She don't even have Walking Around Sense
Walking Around Sense
She don't even have Walking Around Sense

Your Mama loves you, she just never can act right
There's always some reason to show off her ass
Not wearing panties when she's facing the spotlight
She thinks that it's alright, but at your expense
And all her lovers, well I know I'm among them
But that ain't what this is all leading up to
I'm only saying "Don't let it affect you
Your Mama loves you, your mama loves you"
Patterson Hood (Athens GA. Summer 94 and Winter 2004)
Patterson Hood - Gtrs and Vocals / Brad Morgan - Drums / David Barbe - Bass and Wurlitzer / Scott Danbom - Piano / Will Johnson and Scott Danbom - Harmonies

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I wrote you a love song on the back of a Bible
On the back of a Bible, A love song for you
I ain't no authority about what it says in it
Can't even begin it
But that page in the back is blank and waiting for you

Heard me a sad song on the way to a wedding
On the way to a wedding on my car radio
I can't remember the words to the verses
But I remember the chorus
I don't remember who was marrying who
But I'll always know this love song to you

I hate this motel room they all smell the same
The view of the parking lot etched in my brain
Stuck in this town and you're so far away
I ain't got no paper, just got this pen
Rip out the back page and write you a hymn
Singing it to you again and again and again

Lyrics and Music: Patterson Hood (Highland Inn, Atlanta GA. Friday the 13th of August 2004)
Patterson Hood - Gtrs and Vocals / David Hood - Bass / Brad Morgan - Drums
For Rebecca

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Uncle Phil and Aunt Phyllis started speaking again finally. They're not exactly newlyweds, although they once did appear on the hit TV show with that title. They didn't win, but came home with a toaster oven that they used daily until that unfortunate mishap a few years back.

When they met, Phil was a Vietnam War protester, in DC for a rally outside the Pentagon. She was there marching for women's rights. She set fire to her bra outside the hotel where they both happened to be staying. She was actually just practicing, as her raising had never taught her such things and she wanted to make sure that she got it right in case Walter Cronkite happened to be there. In the end, she never knew, because the massive flame from her ample cup sizes set fire to some debris behind the hotel, starting a chain reaction that ended up evacuating the place and causing three battalions of firemen to miss their dinner. For Phil, it was love at first sight.

They married and tried in vain to have children. Boy did they try. Their attempts were sometimes so feverous and rowdy that they were often evicted. It was around this time that they switched from dogs to cats, as Phyllis' dog kept thinking that Phil was hurting her and would jump on the bed and bite Phil on the ass as they went at it like wild pigs in heat. The cats were certainly disgusted by all of this, but were much too disinterested in anyone's well being to try to interfere. Eventually they adopted little Chang, but he wasn't much of a talker


Later still, during those zany Jimmy Carter years, they, as folks with good intentions sometimes do, moved to Florida to be closer to Phil's family. Unfortunately within six months all of Phil's family there died and they were left stranded in that God-forsaken place. Phyllis always said she loved living near the water, but I don't think she has actually seen the beach in at least twenty-two years. Between her migraines and her psoriasis and Phil's cholesterol level, somehow worshipping the sun has lost its appeal.

Chang got a full scholarship to some almost ivy-league school and was never seen again. Phyllis was and still is a secretary for a very rich but mysterious Floridian that she likes to hint works for the mob. Phil worked his nine to five daily grind until that massive coronary. Now he just sits around and eats, no doubt hoping to finish the job that medical science interfered with. Phyllis likes to eat too, adding a good two hundred pounds to her already ample frame.

Phyllis does still love her liberal causes. She once got so worked up watching President Clinton speak, that she defied her menopause and began menstruating uncontrollably for sixteen days straight. She ended up in the Emergency Room and The National Enquirer. That was before all of the sex scandals that later so captured the collective attentions, but Phyllis nonetheless stood by her man through thick and thin and even went out and found a blue dress just like "that" blue dress, knowing it would be available in her size. In fact, instead of being offended by the moral implications of it all, she took great pride and comfort in knowing that her Bill didn't discriminate against women of size.

For Phil, all of this is just proof that the end is near and good riddance. Last Saturday he passed an entire twelve-pound Thanksgiving turkey out his ass. For about forty-six hours it had been lodged somewhere in his intestinal track and he refused to go to the hospital. Friday evening he began dilating. Saturday morning the water broke, and we all knew the end was eminent. Phyllis had always hated that living room rug and now she was getting a new one.

When Reagan was first elected in 1980, Phil and Phyllis and young Chang all retreated into an abyss of new age religion and philosophy. They hoped that by purifying their existences they could perhaps mantra him out of office and further the causes that suddenly seemed lost. It was around 1983 when Phil started having chest pains and on November of the next year Phyllis was mortified to find out that the man she had married and loved so for fourteen years had voted against the Mondale ticket. It was only a matter of time before they were sleeping in separate bedrooms and eating their breakfasts in near silence.

Phil began listening to talk radio all day and night and would quote it to her whenever she walked by. Phyllis had a brief, but meaningless affair with a golf caddy named Pedro that she met at the Publix while picking up dry goods for her employers' hurricane shelter. Phil, its been said hasn't had an erection since 1985 but he did buy a really fast Mazda and can be heard playing Don Henley tapes at full volume as he squeals around the curves of their suburban hellhole.

This year, Phyllis volunteered for the Edwards campaign, so she was elated when he was chosen as running mate. She found Kerry to be a little dry and stoic, certainly not the magnetic sex machine of her beloved Bill, but she liked his wife's spunky nature and way of pissing people off with her words and opinions, so putting in a few hours on the phones was the least she could do.

Phil put a W sticker on his new RX8 and joined Veterans Against Kerry even though he himself had narrowly escaped the draft and had pledged to move to Canada if otherwise. He would spend his days on his computer, sending e-mail after e-mail to friends and family members extolling the latest feats of "our hero in The White House" and making fun of Michael Moore's waist line (who incidentally actually favors Uncle Phil quite a bit).

On Election Day eve, Phyllis made Phil his favorite casserole, laced with enough Xanax to leave him comatose for at least three days. Phil however was suspicious and fed most of it to their cats, rendering them all unconscious for a week and a half. He retaliated by hiding her dentures and rearranging the wires to the distributor cap on Aunt Phyllis' Taurus. He left for the polling station at the crack of dawn, leaving her still snoring on the Tempurpedic.

In the end they both successfully cancelled each other's votes. They stayed up all night watching the vote counts come in on separate TV sets. He, of course watched his on FOX News, which was his main source of information about the world. She mistrusted mainstream media and aimed her satellite towards some wayward Canadian channel so that she could watch free from American right wing bias. When Kerry called Bush to concede, she ate all of the leftover casserole herself, hoping to sleep through the next four years, but by Thursday she was back at work with a pharmaceutical hangover and a bad case of indigestion.

Monologue by Patterson Hood (Athens GA, November 2004) / Music by David Hood, David Barbe, John Neff and Brad Morgan (Athens GA, January 2005)
Patterson Hood - Talking / David Hood - Bass / Brad Morgan - Drums / John Neff - Gtrs / David Barbe - B3

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All songs by Patterson Hood © Pottery Town Music (BMI) all rights administered by Songs of Kobalt Music Publishing (BMI) except Come Back Little Star
(P. Hood and Kelly Hogan) © above and Let's Get Pinkeye (BMI)

Produced by David Barbe and Patterson Hood
Engineered and Mixed by David Barbe
Additional Engineering by Drew Vandenberg and Andy Lemaster
Assisted by Bennett Moon
Recorded and Mixed at Chase Park Transduction, Athens GA. onto glorious sixteen track, two inch then mixed onto half inch, two track.

Mastered by Greg Calbi at Sterling Sound, New York NY.

Art Direction – Lilla Hood
Cover and Gatefold Photos by Rebecca Hood
Additional Photos by Rebecca and Patterson Hood
Photos taken at The George A. Johnson Homestead in the fall of 2011. Additional Photos can be seen at

Disc Artwork and Booklet Illustration – Wes Freed at Willards Garage, Richmond VA
Willards Garage maintained by Jyl Freed

Management – Kevin Morris and Christine Stauder at Red Light Management
Agent USA – Frank Riley and Matt Hickey at High Road Touring, Sausalito CA and Austin TX
Agent World – James Alderman at Free Trade Agency
Press and Publicity – Traci Thomas at Thirty Tigers, Nashville TN
Legal – J. Reid Hunter LLP for Serling Rooks and Ferrara, NYC.
Web – Jenn Bryant at Knuckle Sammitch, Athens GA
Business Management – Tom Scott CPA and Robert Bachman CPA at Trinity Accounting Group, Athens GA

ATO Records – Jon Salter & Phoebe Gellman
PIAS Records – Tim Hall, Edwin Schroter and Steve Rainbow

Road Manager and Live Sound Engineer – Matt DeFilippis (The Mattador)

Scott Baxendale has been building some incredible guitars for us for a few years. They are amazing hand-crafted instruments made with love and care (and only the finest of woods).
"Disappear" was written on a Kay/Baxendale Mandocello that he built for me.
Scott works out of Baxendale Guitar in Athens GA and can be reached at

Brad has pretty much always played Ludwig Drums and would like to thank Kevin Packard and all the folks there for treating him so well. Brad also wants to send special thanks to Chris Brewer and Meinl Cymbals for all they have done on our behalf.

Patterson Proudly Uses: Rapco Cables, Seymore Duncan Pickups, D'addario Strings, Pretty Road Cases, Greer Amplification and Pedals and Jittery Joe's Coffee.

Patterson Proudly Supports Nuci's Space Artist Resource Center. Please read all about this great organization at

Thanks to my family, friends, management, agents, crew, support staff, publicist, label and all of the other tons of fine folks who enable what I do and how I do it. Thanks to DBT and all of the incredible players on this album and participating in my live shows.